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Jokes


My niece Jenny convinced me to put jokes on this web site. I'm filling it up slowly, and you can help. I'll tell you how after the jokes, or you can click here to find out now.




There once was a plane that was going to crash. On board was a communist, a little kid, President Bush, a director of a movie, a teacher, and a pilot. Although there were six people, there were only five parachutes. The communist said, "I need to rule a country," grabs a parachute, and jumps off. Then the director says, "I need to direct a movie!" and gets a parachute and jumps off. Then the teacher claimed, "I need to teach a class," and jumps off with a parachute. Then President Bush claims, "I'm from Texas!" and jumps off with a parachute. At this point the pilot turns to the kid and says, "Well, I guess it's between you and me." But the kid replies, "No, it isn't. President Bush took my backpack!" -- From Alex H.
RIDDLE: A father and his son were driving home after a long day of school and work. In the middle of the road was a bump that the car accidentally ran over, which caused the car to crash into a tree. The father was fine with a minor concussion, but his son was seriously injured and needed surgery. An ambulance took them both to the hospital. The father was sitting in the waiting room when the surgeon came in and said, "This is my son! I can't operate on him!" How is this possible when the father is in the waiting room? ANSWER: Click here for the answer. -- From Joel S.
There are three monkeys in a tree. Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree? It died. Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? It was stapled to the first monkey. Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Peer pressure! -- From Merrill W.
Knock, knock. Who's there? A robber. A robber who? Wait a second: Robbers don't knock! :]:]:]:] -- From Jeremy F.
Q: A red house is made out of red bricks, a yellow house is made of yellow bricks, and a blue house is made out of blue bricks. Then there's a green house. What is it made out of? A: It is made out of glass!!:) -- From Drew H.
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, "You're not allowed here." The mushroom says, "Why not? I am a fungi." -- From Arie Z.
RIDDLE: Mrs. Papadimingston lives on the 37th floor. She has a nine-to-five job that takes her 45 minutes to get to. Every morning at 8:15 a.m., she leaves her apartment, waits for the elevator in the hall, gets in the elevator, and pushes the button for the lobby. She leaves the elevator, exits the building, and goes to work. When she returns from work in the afternoon, she enters the apartment building and pushes the button to call the elevator. She then presses the button for the 22nd floor, and then gets out and walks the rest of the way up to her apartment by taking the stairs. The only time she changes this routine is on rainy days. On days when it rains in the morning, she rides the elevator all the way to the 37th floor upon her return from work. Why doesn't Mrs. Papadimingston take the elevator to the 37th floor every day after work? ANSWER: Click here for the answer. -- From Ciara P.
Knock, Knock. Who's there? A guy who can't reach the doorbell! Q: What's a woodpecker without a beak? A: A headbanger! -- Both from Dan R.
A guy walks into a bar...ow! -- From Scott B.
A guy wanted to take his Chihuahua into a restaurant with him, so he put on dark glasses and "tapped" his way into the establishment. The waiter said "Hey! You can't bring a dog in here." The man indignantly claimed, "I'm blind! This is my Seeing Eye dog!" "You're trying to tell me," said the waiter, "that this Chihuahua is a Seeing Eye dog?" "What!?" cried the man. "They gave me a Chihuahua?" -- From Christy G.
One bright day in the middle of the night, Two dead boys got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, Then drew their swords and shot each other. A deaf policeman heard the noise, And came and shot those two dead boys. If you don’t believe that this lie is true, Just ask the blind man, 'cause he saw it, too! -- From Melissa E.
Q: How many legs does a dog have if you call its tail a leg? A: Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it one! -- From Allyson R.
Q: If a rooster laid an egg on the top of the roof, which side would it roll off? A: Neither: Roosters don't lay eggs! -- From Katie R.
Amélie: Tiphaine, what letter does "banana" start with? Tiphanie: Why, Amélie, you should know that it starts with "b." Amélie: That's funny. I always thought "it" started with "i"! -- From Tiphaine R.and Amélie D.
Q: Why did the cow cross the road? A: Because the chicken was sick! -- From Nick C.
Q: A boy, an elephant, and a hippo were sharing an umbrella. It was a very small umbrella for all of them to share, but they did it anyway. Why didn't any of them get wet? A: It wasn't raining! : ) -- From Andy R.
Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging? A: Take away its credit card. Q: What is the last thing to hit a bug's mind when it hits a windshield? A: Its butt. Q: Why do gorillas have big noses? A: Because they have big fingers. -- All from Chris L.
Q: What is the tallest building in Birmingham? A: The library. It has the most stories! -- From Rissa L.
A rabbit walked into a store and asked, "Do you have any carrots?" The store owner said, "No, sorry." The next day, the rabbit asked for the same thing. The owner said, "No, still no carrots." The next day, he asked for the same thing and the owner said,"Tomorrow, if you ask for another carrot, I'll nail your feet to the ground." So the next day, the rabbit appeared and asked, "Do you have any nails?" The owner said, "No." The rabbit smiled and asked, "Okay, then: Do you have any carrots?" -- From Nick R.
A man walks into a restaurant and asks, "Do you serve crabs here?" "Why, yes," answered the hostess, "and we'll do our best to cheer you up." -- From Jenny C.
Knock Knock Who's there? Waddle Waddle Who? Waddle you give me to go away? -- From Danny B.
Q: What animal should you never play cards with? A: A cheetah. -- From Ili G.
A man was standing at the top of the Grand Canyon, looking at the beautiful sight. Then he leaned too far over the ledge and fell. Flying down the side of the canyon, he grabbed onto a bush and hung on for dear life. He yelled, "Is anybody out there? Help me! Is anybody out there? Please help me!" He heard a low, deep voice: "This is God. I am with you. Just let go of the branch. I will guide you to safety." There was a long silence. Then the man said, "Is anybody else out there?!!" -- From Spencer S.
Q: What do you get when you cross a karate expert with a pig? A: A pork chop. Q: Why did the basketball wear a bib? A: So it wouldn't dribble. Q: What is a hermit? A: A girl's baseball glove. -- All from Heather E.
A man is jumping up and down on a manhole cover, yelling, "49! 49! 49!" A guy on the street comes by and asks, "Can I try?" The guy jumps on the manhole and falls in. The first man starts to jump up and down again on the manhole cover, yelling, "50! 50! 50!" -- From Bryan R.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the party? A: He had no body to go with. -- From Sherie B.
Q: What's the best way to see a flying saucer? A: Trip a waiter. -- From Allen J.
There was a fat man who only said, "Fork and knife," a gambler who only said, "Goody, goody gumdrops," and a singer who only said, "Me, me, me, me!" One day they walked into a hotel where there had just been a murder. A policeman asked them, "Who killed this man?" The singer said, "Me, me, me, me!" The policeman asked, "What did you kill him with?" The fat man said "Fork and knife, fork and knife!" The policeman said, "You are all going to jail." The gambler said, "Goody, goody gumdrops!" -- From Kalyn D.
Two pretzels went for a walk down the street. One made it home safely. The other was a salted. -- From Patrick H.
Q: What's green and sings? A: Elvis Parsley. -- From Sam B.
An English professor is giving a lecture. "English is the only language in which a double negative means a positive, although it often isn't used in that manner. In other languages, a double negative emphasizes the negative. However, in no language does a double positive equal a negative." Silence falls, then a small voice pipes up, "Yeah, right." -- From Andrew K.
There were four men who went off to the moon. As they were landing, they went out of control and landed by the sun. The leader asked the others to take one thing and one thing only for the journey back home. One man took a bottle of water, the second took an umbrella, and the third took one of the doors from the space shuttle. They walked and walked in the strong heat, until finally the leader stopped them so they could take a break. That's when the leader asked the others why they took the things they decided to bring along. The first guy answered, "I'm taking this bottled water so that if I get thirsty I can take a drink from it." The next guy said, "I am taking this umbrella to shield me from the sun's rays." They last guy answered, "I'm taking this door so that if I get too hot, I can roll down the windows." -- From Katja P.
Q: An ant, a hippo, and an elephant were riding a scooter. They had a terrible accident and the hippo and elephant were badly injured. Why wasn't the ant injured? A: The ant was wearing a helmet! -- From Sara H.
Mother: Why is there a strange baby in the crib? Daughter: You told me to change the baby. -- From Katrina L.
Riddle: What is weightless, can only be seen by the naked eye, and if you put it in a barrel, it will make the barrel lighter? ANSWER: Click here for the answer. -- From Travis P.
Four guys walk into a bar and get concussions, but another guy ducked, and was fine. -- From Zack C.
Q: What gives milk and is red and black? A: A cow with a sunburn. Q: Why are cows so smart? A: They use a "cow"culator. -- Both jokes from Elise H.
Q: Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? A: Because they're not baygulls. -- From Jon B.
Q: What is purple and swings on trees? A: Tarzan the Grapeman. -- From Nick R.
Q: What did the pig say when the farmer caught his tail? A: This is the end of me! -- From Kelsey O.
Q: A dollar and a penny were on the table. The penny fell off, but the dollar stayed. Why didn't the dollar fall? A: The dollar had more cents! Q: What is the best time to go to the dentist? A: At tooth-hurty. -- Both jokes from Brenna B.
Q: What kind of bagel flies? A: A "plain" bagel. -- From Anonymous
There was a boy who swallowed four quarters, so his mother took him to the doctor's office. When the mother asked how the boy was doing, the doctor replied, "No change yet." -- From Randy B.
Father: How are your test scores in school, son? Son: Oh, under water, Dad. Father: What do you mean, "under water"? Son: You know, below C-level ! -- From Sue C.
Q: Do you remember the story of Peter Pan? What was Captain Hook's name before he got his hook?
A: Captain Hand!
Riddle: You're in a steel box on a deserted island. The box has no windows or doors. All you have with you is a mirror and a potato. How are you going to get out? ANSWER: Click here for the answer. -- From Chris T. (my nephew)
A RECIPE FOR ELEPHANT STEW
1 medium sized elephant 2 rabbits (optional) salt and pepper to taste brown gravy (lots)

Cut elephant in small bite-size pieces. This will take about two months. Reserve the trunk (you will need something to store pieces in). Add enough brown gravy to cover. Cook over kerosene fire for about four weeks at 465 degrees. This will serve about 3,800 people. If more are expected, the two rabbits may be added. Do this only if necessary, as most people do not like to find hare in their stew.

                  -- From a joker in Florida

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